This is the third revision. Not sure what to do with it anymore.
Gabriel
Despicably handsome he dimples,
illuminates when she’s around.
The young American woman
with whom he swaps innocuous smiles.
Droplets of snow in her honey hair
pause the roving wind
of his cerulean eyes – typical.
And so…he tempts with a smooth Rauchbier voice
promising discos and drinks,
a night of vacationing fun.
Until…she catches a flash
of momentary gold on his right ring finger.
Ignoring the darkening grin
she points to the halo
wrapped around a long ago forgotten vow,
left on the shores of some distant flussufer:
“In my country that means something,” she tells him.
Shouldering his eyebrows,
he moves the ring.
Right. Left.
Then right again,
and settles it on his left to rest.
Ambered sincerity drips with perfection:
“It’s just a ring.”
A few nuts an bolt comments on the draft: You might want to show how he illuminates rather than stating it in the beginning of the draft. Same perhaps goes for the word "innocuous." Stick with germanic terms if you can. That might add more muscle to the draft as a whole. Also, the abstractions at the end might be a little baggy. Try to show "sincerity" and "perfection."
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, I like the concept the draft seems to be pushing for with the language. A way to add tot he draft might be to create some flaw with the male figure, something the speaker notices that creates a sense of an imperfection rather than having him as this perfectly suave and handsome figure. Then you could tie such an imperfection to the actual act at the end where he switches the ring on his finger.
Laura,
ReplyDeleteOne of the more difficult things I'm facing as a writer these days is figuring out how to, through verse, "tell a story" and have it still be interesting. It seems to be a messy business because it involves the balance, of what seem to be, conflicting tendencies. There's the narrative impulse that we feel demands linearity, there's the poetic impulse that wants, well, images, metaphors, similes and all that good abstract stuff. And finally, we want it to somehow all "make sense" to whoever is reading the thing. I'm still no expert, but I'm picking up some tips. Here's two possible ways you might look at revising this draft.
Try abandoning the idea that this narrative needs to be linear ( as it is now, it seems to be that way, mostly) and try "juggling" between the elements of your story--meeting the "despicably handsome" German fellow, the discovery of his wedding ring, the speaker's disappointment, etc-- reading the draft, I thought that ""In my country that means something," she tells him." would be a great opening line. That way, you already introduce the crux of the poem and can then allow the space for all that great description you have working on nearly every line. But, like I said, I'm working on this myself and am not an expert-- "Writing Poetry" has a good break down of the "juggling" technique that you should find pretty helpful.
Now, in regards to the second route you may want to go, I'm going to reference Trista's work. I can only speak for what I've read on her blog as I've only read a couple of published pieces, but she also seems heavily drawn to narrative. Yet, she goes about it in a rather straightforward, linear fashion AND her poems do yield some significant weight. How does she do this? Take a look at her language. It, like her narratives, is simple, stark, alarmingly "unpoetic." So, my alternate suggestion for you, if you feel drawn to linearity, would be to tone down that elevated language, drastically. As it is, it just seems like too much dang cipherin'.
And yeah, easier said than done. But I hope this helps in some way.
By the way, you have a killer vocabulary.
Laura,
ReplyDeleteThis isn't really a comment, just my vote that you keep track of this one. I really enjoy reading it, it makes me smile. Favorites--"flussufer" & "Rauchbier voice." I also love the dry ending.
great use of language here, clearly well thought out and researched. I would hate for you to interrupt the concise work you have done on the particulars of the subject, but a glance into where this is happening or what your speaker is thinking might be nice. Could you provide another glimpse or two of that without destroying the concision? Also I am in agreement that using more Germanic one or two syllable words might be interesting for this draft. One way you might try implementing that in an interesting way would be through the use of unusual kenings two one or two syllable words in place of the noun. wolf's-joint is old norse for wrist. i wonder if there is a good one for finger or ring.
ReplyDelete