Response to Jeff and Rachel's Dialogue - Week 6

Thanks to Rachel for her writing and taking time to improve this little poem.

Revision with help from Rachel. Thanks!



New Moon Closet Case
The relentless moon wants rainbows,

but finds no bed with this gothic company.

a Blue Dog bites at his tween's cliffhanger.

Trite vampires recline against soggy old leather brains,

and werewolves are galvanic with the reinvention of a dark youth.

His smiling fantasy shape shifts the sphere into a fiery night light.

The father brushes of his intellect

opens the burning sheeting,

and reads witlessly.

He feels no guilt in this carnage, as all are at rest (in bed).

Here is a prime example of how a little peer revision can improve  our poems.

I am especially grateful when someone offers up advice by rearranging my lines.

as I learn best by example.   Rachel points out, with a few revised lines of her own, that the poem had too much passive language. Making the verses more active improves them greatly.

  It still is not finished  It lacks a strong sense of place, but it has begun to take on action.
Action is something I always enjoy in a poem. Thanks Rachel. I will take some time to look at your journal again to see how this exercise worked out for you, and give some response.

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I particularly like the dialogue Jeff and Rachel have begun. It is a great example of how our blogs can really serve us as writers and teachers of poetry. Seeing your writing with fresh eyes is often helpful. Editing and revision, in my opinion, are the most important steps of the writing process. Rachel's revision was helpful to Jeff because it was constructive and insightful. By modeling a rewrite, she was able to get Jeff to see her perspective without being seen as overly critical and harsh. Modeling is a great tool to use when assisting other writers, and especially young students.